Utterly happy

Hello kiddies. Welcome to another installment in the "why I'm so happy to be alive today" gushiness of this blog. Shrug off the Monday-ness of yesterday. Look at that half-full cup of coffee next to you and open a window for crying out loud...it's going to be 68 today!

Gushiness:
1. As much as I hope, obsess and believe...it's not about me. How completely refreshing!
2. Because of E, Cass, Kelli, Red Tent, the Were's and everyone else helping make Upendo happen, I believe in goodwill. The way you all give is inspiring and your love is like being tossed high up in the air on a blanket - the view is awesome from the air, and I know you'll catch me.
3. My family. They love me fiercely and want to keep me safe...that reality doesn't go unnoticed or unappreciated - even if I disagree on semantics.
4. At 9:38, the world is as it should be. iTunes on, a program completed, and an opera about to begin. How lucky am I to work at the opera?!?!?!?
5. It's evident that on this last day of February, my soul is settled and confident...and it's like sun shining through my pores.

Now...I see you, beautiful reader, sitting at your desk, rolling your eyes, inner monologue saying, "Only 5 things??? How can she be soooooo happy?"

Because I DECIDE to be.

Everyday I choose.

Once I get the appropriate 8 hours of sleep, I consciously roll out of bed (on the right side) and I get my head straight before I jump in the shower. Somedays it's a leisurely breakfast, reading and prayer, reflection, and maybe Matt & Katie (although I rarely feel smarter for it). The result is a slowness that leaves room for joy before I even hit the car. When life is slow, I can say, "Hey! This world rocks!" It lets me look for small things, and now it's like the world is FILLED with cool stuff.

So take your own little break. Get your head right, and share in the comments what you are joyful about. I'll do a wrap-up tomorrow.

Today's Soundtrack:
"Girl" - Beck (Album: Guero)

What were you doing Wednesday night?

I hope it was fun, because I was busy having Sigur Ros rock my face off. This concert was unlike anything I've ever seen, and I doubt I'll experience anything like it again. I've heard them described as ambient Icelandic rock, but I don't think that does them justice.

The show was wicked cool and it was like watching a combination of Bjork and Radiohead. My mouth was agape for the better part of each song and there were at least two moments where I almost cried. The thing is - I had only heard three songs before I went, and while I liked them, I wasn't over the moon about it. After I left the concert, I decided I'm going to buy all four of their albums this weekend. I'm nutso about Sigur Ros.

A study in dopeness:

1. Their opening band, the Toothfaeries, had a girl who played the saw. She'd hit it or draw a violin bow against one side of it, and bend it to elicit the most amazing, bendy, warbly, changing note I never dreamed possible.
2. Aforementioned ladies wore old-school prairie-type dresses, had wicked hair and played handbells, waterglasses and formed a string quartet during three songs. It was like watching sirens. I would have followed them into a ravine.
3. Sigur Ros opened behind a sheer white curtain, projected images onto the front, and light from behind, giving them beautiful, colorful, otherwordly shadows. Wow.
4. My concert-loving companion coined it well...each song has a practically orgasmic buildup. Slow on the front, and by the end, the drummer and lead singer were about to break something they were strumming and pounding things so hard. Wicked...and a little hard on the old heart.
5. The lead singer sounds like what I imagine an angel would. Ethereal, smooth, and he sings in some sort of made-up language mixed with Icelandic words.

But don't just take my word for it.

Read this guy's blog who agrees with me.
(Hopefully) listen to/download this: Saeglopur - Sigur Ros (Album: Takk)
You can also stream their amazing concert in Iceland or get music off their Web site.

Happy Friday :)

What a year brings...

Some 11+ months ago, I inked this with black Sharpie into my fire-orange journal.
---------------
3.15.05

Now is not the time to try and find someone to fill the holes inside of me.

Even I cannot fill them alone.
Without faith's growth,
nourished by good moisture,
calm reflection
and passionate promise of true meaning,
there is nothing good and truthful.

I can see the light within,
feel it,
taste it,
revel in its purity,
see it glisten ten inches before my bleary eyes.

Hope exists and I'm confident in it...
-----------
Some things change, some forever stay the same :)

I struggle a lot with wanting a savior, yet resenting anyone who tries to take on that role. This poem was my dealing with losing someone I hoped was going to fill that gap, but that need flows over easily to God. Needless to say I pushed Him out for the better part of 25 years, resenting any effort that suggested I couldn't do life on my own.

I want to be whole, fixed, fulfilled. The problem is that it looks different all the time. We can't be completed while we're here. There's always something to work on, strive for and perfect. I think we're not done until our last breath. That's when God stops using us.

Even though I know this - I can't make utter peace with it. I still need to feel whole. I still seek it in others. I'll always seek it in God - and that's not a bad urge. So, the best way I've found to touch some sort of fulfillment is through hoping.

There's always existed a glimmer of hope in my heart that flickered like a dimly lit candle in a dark room. I can always take a bad situation, the way I wasn't redeemed, the broken heart I was nursing, and I can muster up the humility to hope in God.

I'm not completed, I'm not FIXED, BUT the solution is HOPING.

It's hard to accept a savior. To accept help from someone. I'm still working on it. Maybe it's too much for you to do too. But to hope - that's something a desperate man, a blessed woman or someone just existing can do. There's a flicker lit in all of our hearts.

What would a fire look like?

"First, God. God is the subject of life. God is foundational for living. If we don't have a sense of the primacy of God, we will never get it right. Not God at the margins; not God as an option; not God on the weekends. God at center and circumference; God first and last, God, God, God."
-Eugene Patterson

I only hope that my hope can turn into a raging inferno, setting such a fire that I don't even notice I'm broken, unfillfilled and messy....because there's far too much to hope for.

Scotch tape

I'm gearing up for our next opera right now, and I'm editing my program, GRRrrroooovvVVing with Jill Scott's "A Long Walk." My mind started to wander...

"You're here, I'm pleased
I really dig your company
your style, your smile
your peace mentality.
Lord, have mercy on me, I was blind now I can see
what a king's supposed to be
baby I feel free c'mon and go with me.
Let's take a long walk
around the park, after dark..."

A walk in the park with someone that makes me feel like that. Hmm...that'd be part of a good day.

At my last job, we did a writing exercise where you'd sketch out your perfect day. We tried to make liquid desires, wishes, goals and dreams solidify themselves into the span of your last day. The time constraint is usually removed, generally led with,"you know, if time and space weren't factors..."

Meaning, you could throw fish at the Seattle Market, wade through the tide of the Gulf of Mexico, have dinner with the pope at the Vatican, and have time to trek with your beloved in the Australian outback....all before 11 a.m.

In this newfound desire to seek solitude and be really present in my life, I constantly track back to moments that have struck me as contenders for this perfect day. A walk that makes me feel like Jill Scott would be there (I've never had one).

These perfect moments almost never come in the same series of events, but are instead scotch-taped together remnants of powerful encounters. A recent collage:

Winter skylines that defy season.
I saw a sunset nearly identical to this photo on a roadtrip to Wichita recently. It was a great sight that preceeded a fantastic evening of opera and amazing company (both contenders for that great day). I realized Kansas is phenomenal if you look at things closely. As the light broke through the clouds, you couldn't tell if it was hazy enough to be winter, or clear enough to be summer. Reflecting off green hills (thanks, no doubt to the recent warmth), it was like time was suspended above season.

A new perspective.
If I lie across my bed horizontally and stick my head against my window, I can look straight up into the sky. It gives birth to tremendous comfort, stillness, and I highly recommend it with a soundtrack ("Translanticism" by Death Cab for Cutie. Album: Translanticism).
It's like watching the stars in my car, only better, and in my pajamas. I wish I could find a permanent peace like this that is big enough to cover all my fears...all the time.

An inner mantra - "Be still, and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
Bible verses really stay with me, and they often come shooting through the dark while I'm in prayer. I cling to these bits of truth throughout the week. As everything speeds up, I take small breaks throughout the day to bring my racing mind back. "Be still. Be still. You're not God, Ally." On my best day, I'd have a moment like this that gives me that permanent peace and follows throughout the day.

Obviously there'd be skydiving, alligator wrestling, a newcastle, cooking classes, art museums, rock climbing, yoga practice, prayer sessions, total cosmic enlightenment and ALL OF YOU in this perfect day, but these three recent things really stuck with me.

I like it when we see bits of heaven. I have no doubt that's what these moments are - glimpses into the eternal where all of our needs are satisfied, our purpose is realized, and our mind fully engaged to what we desire.

That is heaven on earth.

When She Believes...

"Blessed is she who has believed that what the Lord has said to her will be accomplished!" Luke 1:45

I believe I'm going to Kenya. I believe God will accomplish it.

It feels weird to believe in yourself and your vision. It feels like if we know something with utter certainty, we run the risk of turning out like Kanye West (sporting a weird Scarface look at the Grammy's and posing as Christ on the cover of Rolling Stone). So while I ain't messing with no golddiggers, today I unearthed an urge coupled with confidence that I think Mr. West would appreciate.

I believe in myself. I believe I'm going to Africa and nothing can stop people when they want to help. Sometimes I let that sink in a little bit and get overwhelmed...

What am I going to see?
How will my mind reconcile the vastly different circumstances of these people?
Could I get sick?

It's hard to comprehend the journey when you haven't taken it...sort of like going to the Olympics for the first time. The only way to push through the hugeness of this trip is to SLOW DOWN, and recognize that my certainty isn't of myself - it's FAITH.

I love the verse from Luke. It zinged me between the eyes with the same certainty (I'm told) you have when you lock eyes with your soulmate. I'm captivated by the promise that I am blessed when I believe that the Lord will deliver.

He's told me so about Kenya. On several occasions.

I'm amazed at the way he's delicately put the puzzle pieces together and geared my heart this way. He's made funny things line up and relationships burst open to partner on this journey.

I believe the Lord will deliver.

Part of believing is acting on it. Sharing the journey with all of you, being vulnerable in this place, walking in the belief that I'm going, and asking for what you need. This is how faith and belief are tied together.

So many people want to help...and I've been avoiding this step today.

It's scary to ask for money. It's scary to think that people don't want to give, that they'll think I'm selfish, and my promise from God won't come to fruition. But if I believe in the promise of this verse, I have to throw caution to the wind...and get humble.

So -if you believe in my journey and you want to help the people of Kenya, here's how to do it:

1. Donate. I'm raising money for my trip first, then any excess funds will go to other travelers or supplies for the facilities we volunteer at. I have a payment coming up before my benefit party on March 25. If you feel inclined to give before the party, it would be a tremendous burden lifted.

You can either mail donations to me directly:
Ally Moore
Lyric Opera of KC
1029 Central
Kansas City, MO 64105

Or make a donation in my name to Soulfari Kenya directly:
Julius & Sarah Were
Soulfari Kenya
7505 W. 61st St
#136
Overland Park, KS 66202

We'll later be collecting physical donations for the orphanages. Stuff like books, rulers, etc. The needs list is posted on the group’s web site: www.josiemai.com/soulfarikenya. We'll need these donations later on, and I'll probably have a recepticle at my party.
*I'm working on posting this list on my sidebar if anyone knows how to do it - let me know.

2. Pray. I am firmly convicted that prayer is what will make this trip a success.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillippians 3:6-7

I've been called in my own time to humbly sit in quietness, and for those of you who read Monday's blog, I'm trying out this whole solitude thing. It's giving me tons of great ideas, and such support. Join me in prayer. For yourself. For this journey. For Africa.

3. Tell others about Africa. There is so much happening on this continent that we know next to nothing about.

Read CNN.

Set up a Google News Alert for certain countries.

Visit these sites:
http://www.one.org/
http://www.data.org/

Read up on Kenya like you would have in elementary school: http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/geos/ke.html

Pay attention to what's happening in Uganda with Invisible Children:
http://www.invisiblechildren.com/

4. Help with my party. I need help getting wine and beer donated, and I'll need some people to help collect money and make sure stuff goes smoothly. Also, if anyone knows of a printer that would run off some photos in fairly large sizes, I'd love it.

5. Don't forget the reason I'm going. To hang with kids like this.

















I love you all. Know that today. I'm happy that you gave me a passion to do something like this. Get inspired, and help if you're called to do it. Join me. Follow the string.

Today's soundtrack: When She Believes - Ben Harper (Diamonds on the Inside)

Good things come in threes too

My new buddy, Phil Lesniewski has known me a sum total of 6 days. We've had four emails back and forth, talked for maybe 20 minutes, and he managed to see through every layer of defense, posturing and bullsh*t to impart this after he read my blog:

"Stay positive. Don't ever stop writing. Seek solitude."

I'm writing this out and sticking it on my bathroom mirror. These three simple things identify so deeply with my soul's current ache that they seem as built-in as my nervous system.

As I break down this tremendously striking advice I realized that if I only know one truth this week, I know that God is good. Who else could have engineered this wisdom from someone I've just met?

First, as Monday winds down, I'm not positive. I'm pissy. I'm tired. I want a glass of wine...and that's becuase I'm copping out. Sometimes to be positive, you have to remind yourself, plaster on a grin, and drive home listening to Prince with the windows down while singing "I Feel for You." You now know what I'll be doing in 15 mnutes.

Second, painting and writing take up equal corners of affection in my heart, but I've really come to enjoy composing all these posts. I know they reach some of you, and that makes me happy, but really it's the therapy of organizing all the stuff inside my head that brings me joy. I analyze too much, and if I don't get it out, I go nuts.

Finally, seeking solitude is something I SUCK at. I love people, get burdened down by commitments, and get super-jazzed about 5 million things going on at one time. My ideal day would probably include a visit with every person in my life, racing between concerts, art galleries, coffee parlors and wine bars. It'd be chock-full of dense, meaty, soul-searching conversations. It would be insane, and although I'd be happy, God doesn't really get in when you're racing around and dissecting life without his input. I realized this weekend that to have a really quality life, AND to bring the most of myself to others, I've got to call a timeout to seek solitude, and seek God. Even if it's only 30 minutes, I gotta do it. Everyday. Sometimes multiple times.

So...we see what well-timed message can do. Phil's email put a beautiful bow on some inner rumblings, and gave me some purpose for this week. Well-intentioned words like these happen to me everyday. Sometimes they're from a book, a prayer, a beautiful gift, snow on a Saturday morning, a person that knows us better than we know ourselves....

or someone who doesn't know much about us at all.

Asante sana (thank you), my new and old rafikis (friends) for these little moments. They do not go unnoticed.

I heart the following.

1. Newcastle. Oh, delicious brown ale from England. "How I love thee. Let me count the pints..."

2. Beck - Guero. This album rocks my face off. The track "Hell Yes" gives me an idea of what Napoleon would dance to in a ND sequel. "Sweet. I want that."

3. Mute Math, Veda and the Bottleneck. Sweet venue...totally dirty and rock & roll. The show was so. good. Run, don't walk to buy Mute Math's CD, or stream their album here.

4. "My" silver Jeep. It's a rental, so I'm not TOTALLY f*ing up the environment. I gotta be real...you feel pretty pimp in this car.



5. Paddy. I miss you, homie. You'll be home soon after they repair your messed up trunk. I love you. Seriously. Come home soon.

6. God. He should probably get an earlier shout out, but he's always cast as the alpha and omega...what about theta? He'd probably like to be in the middle more. Anyway, I really like Him. He's the one who gives me all the other stuff I'm happy about. Especially #1.

7. Medium Cheddar Cheese. Seriously, I believe I could subsist ENTIRELY on sliced portions of this fantastic food. I'm partial to Kraft. Can you tell I'm posting before lunch? UPDATE: Kelli Christman also adores cheddar cheese. She puts it on everything and requested a shoutout. I have now satisfied my BFF duties.

8. Books. This category rotates almost everyday since I read 3-10 books at any given time. (I've been reading What's the Matter with Kansas for going on 9 months now. Consequently, I do recommend it.) Here's the latest reading list:

• Praise Habit - David Crowder
• A Long Way Down - Nick Hornby
• The Bible - misc. authors and inspirational sources
• The Last Word and The Word After That - Brian McLaren
• The End of the Affair - Graham Greene

9. Music. You've all probably picked up on this...but I've already mentioned music twice. So, I'll share my favorite new iPodtastic Gator playlist. Entitled Wom.In. -

• Bron-Yr-Aur Stomp - Led Zeppelin - How The West Was Won
• We Looked Like Giants - Death Cab For Cutie - Transatlanticism
• Long Black Veil - Johnny Cash - The Best Of Johnny Cash: San Quentin To Folsom
• Fire Door - Ani DiFranco
• 22 Steps - Andy Stochansky - Five Star Motel
• Green Eyes - Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head
• Let It Be Me -Indigo Girls - Rites Of Passage
• Just Like Heaven - The Cure
• Beautiful Girl - Nadas - Coming Home
• I Wish I Was the Moon - Neko Case - Blacklisted
• Nothing Like You and I - The Perishers - Let There Be Morning
• American Wife -Rilo Kiley - Good Music for UNICEF Tsunami Relief Fund

10. Friday. In the immortal words of Montell Jordan. "This is how we do it. It's Friday night and I feel alright - the party's here on the West side. So I reach for my 40 and I turn it up, designated driver take the keys to my truck..."

Word is bond. Peace out and have a spectacular weekend. Get jazzed about something and make your own Top 10 list.

Atrocity without words

Indignance is a really productive feeling.

Think about it. Love inspires great movements, great acts of beauty and amazing kindness, but outrage...now that changes history. THAT stays in your heart long enough to give you strength, courage or purpose.

The cool thing about stepping into the world each day bathed in the love of Christ is that outrage and injustice are given a proper funnel of action.

"For the LORD is righteous, he loves justice; upright men will see his face." - Psalms 11:7

Through the love of God, and His very nature that loves justice, horrific injustice is given a voice. Upright men see that he hates injustice, and people are inspired to act. We are pushed forward with a mission of love and compassion to counter that inequity.

Last night I was pushed. I went with a group of friends to see the documentary, Invisible Children. UMKC showed the film as a part of their diversity week, and I give them huge kudos. This story is beyond outrage. I was indignant. Irate. Fuming.

There are children in Uganda who every night trek to a hospital to sleep on a floor so they won't be kidnapped by the rebels.

They carried signs begging not to die. Eight-year-olds.

Children who have seen brothers, sisters, friends HACKED to death before their very eyes.

That is beyond wrong. That is inexcusable. Intolerable.

Read all about it these children, and the project here. I cannot state this enough. Take 5 minutes, peruse the site, again, here, and let injustice wash over you. I promise it will change you.

As I watched it I wept. There was a boy who refused to talk about his brother. He talks about the horror of knowing he is dead, but how he can't cry, because it won't do any good. Then, he breaks into this wailing, soul-quenching cry that I can't explain. My spirit felt it. I cried alongside him, continents away. I hope that none of you ever hear that sound. It was crushing.

I prayed for these children, and I'll keep praying for them.

As I prayed that they would find happiness, that someone would save them, give them a voice, right this wrong, I realized how God answers these prayers.

WE are the solution. Ignoring them won't make it go away. Sending aid might not either, but we can choose to be active vessels of God's salvation. THAT's how He creates miracles.

How do you think He answers the desperation of the poor? ("PLEASE send me money for heat.") He inspires out hearts to action.

Maybe we've seen someone holding their hands over a burning trash can, had some extra cash, and sent it to a church or mission. That act of faith is an answered prayer. It answered that prayer for heat.

Today, help me answer my prayer. Do not let your minds grow stagnant to the troubles of the world. Open your minds and see where you might help in the community and abroad.

Be vessels of God. Be an answered prayer. Donate. Write your congressperson about a huge injustice. Volunteer. Do.

Today's soundtrack: "Blessed to be a Witness" Ben Harper - Diamonds on the Inside

Mark Your Calendars....

...for the hottest party of your life! More details will be forthcoming, but for now, I've settled on a date and location our Upendo (Love) party to raise money for the Soulfari Kenya trip.

Tell your friends, stay in town, and if you recognize hotness...you KNOW this night is going to be filled with beauty of inferno-like proportions.

In other random Africa-related news, Bono gave an AMAZING speech yesterday at the National Prayer Breakfast. Read it here (DATA.ORG).

He said something at that pretty well sums up how I feel about my life and the obligation, gift and call associated with helping people. As I watched it on C-Span, I had chills...

“A number of years ago, I met a wise man who changed my life. In countless ways, large and small, I was always seeking the Lord’s blessing. I was saying, you know, I have a new song, look after it… I have a family, please look after them… I have this crazy idea…

And this wise man said: stop. He said, stop asking God to bless what you’re doing. Get involved in what God is doing—because it’s already blessed.

Well, God, as I said, is with the poor. That, I believe, is what God is doing. And that is what He’s calling us to do.”

There is no fear when you float down God's river...you know the current will carry you to beautiful places. Soon, very soon, that river will carry me to Africa, and you are going too.

Your beautiful little strings are tied securely around my waist, like the buoyant raft that you all are to me.

2/3's Recommended Soundtrack: "Send Me On My Way" - Rusted Root - When I Woke

w.O.r.D.s

Courtesy of Toothpaste for Dinner

Words. I love 'em. So much, that I'm going to spend the better part of a Thursday evening discussing the power of our vernacular with my Red Tent homies.

You see, dear reader, I'm a PR lady who spends all day poking, prodding, crafting, erasing, cradling, caressing, and sometimes perverting the English language. I enjoy me some scrabble. I've been known to substitute dirty words to win. I'm ruthless.

I guess you could see where I'd be a little frustrated when I find some sort of content I can't grasp.

I have a (slightly embarrassing) confession to make. For most of my life, I haven't been able to break through the superfluous wall of Eastern logic and verbiage that encapsulates the Bible. Gasp. I know it's shocking. Especially for someone as perfect as me.

I'd pick up the heavy, King Jamesy book, and WTF? Nothin.

For example:

1. What the heck was the importance of Old Testament geneology? (Read Genesis 5 and tell me you don’t get a headache.)
2. What was up with Jesus and the parables, yo? (Didn’t he spit on some guy’s eyes in Mark?!?!?)
3. Don't even get me started on circumcision.

When I was struggling with the content, I was hungry to have the abstract stuff relate to me. While I read, I’d pray, “Explain to me why I’m like Moses with the burning bush?!?” “What the heck is the point of this BORING book called Proverbs?”

I was like a two-year old trying to read Chaucer. It wouldn’t sink in because my life couldn’t identify with the darkest of experiences (like the cross), just the “lighter stuff” like loving your neighbor (because that’s easy to do).

That’s why the book didn’t make sense to me. I always used to skip over the wordy parts that were particularly strong-tempered, unfair, or legalistic. It was just confusing because there were so many things in there that DIDN'T, WOULDN'T and COULDN'T apply to me. Ever.
Funny how God proves us wrong.

Last week, I slept with my Bible next to me. I carried it in my purse. It was like a magic lamp or an oracle or something. Multiple times a day, I turned its loved pages in hopeful desperation. I was looking for answers. For solace. For affirmation.

The first place that leapt out to comfort was one of the darkest passages within it.

In Matthew 26:36-46, Jesus cries out to be relieved of his burden that will await him at the cross. BUT, he says, 'not my will, but yours be done.'

While I don’t claim to be heading to the cross…nor to have the strength of Christ, these words treated my upset stomach like Pepto-Bismol. Whoever thought of the Lord as an antacid?

In that moment, the words became bigger. I could comprehend them, because my soul was ready to identify with it. Maybe that's the secret. Not education, not scriptural diligence or memorization, but just a genuinely changed heart ready to receive the Word's mystery with desperation.

Since then, I've been able to stop crying like the previously mentioned two year-old that I was, but instead embrace the fact that I was walking through a situation (or a group of them) that had been repeated in the Bible throughout the centuries.

Today, I have a new confession. This careful little wordsmith understands His darkest words, identifies with them, finds content and comfort in them, and it’s divine.

As one of my favorite songs goes -"these are words to build a life on..."

Grace

Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it.

Three times I did that, and then he told me, 'My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. '

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.

2 Corinithians 12: 7-9 (The Message)

Glory be where it's due...the fire has its purpose.

Today's Soundtrack:
"Blessing In the Storm" Kirk Franklin - The Nu Nation Project