From the catbird seat

"Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." Psalm 116:7

Before I went to Kenya, I had a distinct moment of clarity where I realized that I tend to treat life's happy things and challenges as if I were constantly climbing mountains. I climbclimbclimbclimb to get to the vista, and once I'm there, I breathe in the view for a second or two, then immediately begin thinking of how I'll get down. This ephiphany was really a gift from God - cognizant of my tendency, I spent my two weeks in Kenya sitting cross-legged at the top of my proverbial mountain. What I saw in my present-ness was amazing - life changing stuff.

I don't have many feelings of deja vu, but as I wrap up my last two days of work and get ready to head into my new adventure at the zoo, I felt that same nagging feeling creep up on me. It's become glaringly obvious that if I don't slow down, I will be in danger of completely missing this blessing.


In the spirit of absolute disclosure, I love change but fight it with every fiber of my being. This crosses over into good, exciting things too. The frightened child in me tends to look for the bottom to fall out. As I get older, I'm starting to believe this is genetically inevitable (worrying being a family trait and all) but I'm still fighting it with all I have. It's not always easy, but the more I've come to understand God, the more I see that this is just not the way to live.

I'm lucky. I'll have an extended vacation in Florida and although it's not a mountain, I can stand at the water's edge and look around a bit. I can look back at the blessings and give thanks. I can look forward at the adventure and be excited. But most importantly, I can sit in the present and look around.

summertime soul searching

I find a way back to myself each summer. Perhaps it’s the longer days or the sweet and soft air but I feel more content when I get in some porch time in the languid air.

My hypothesis is that after a winter spent hibernating, I’m ready to throw the covers off and see what’s below. If it’s bad, it’s just too damn hot to care. If it’s good, well, it’s just perfect weather to sit outside and drink tea in its company.

Either way, I’m approaching each new day like “it’s summertime and the livin’ is easy.”

So easy, in fact, that I only winced (not wept) when I turned in my cable box yesterday afternoon. It was sort of like passing around the collection plate and turning my head to the heavens - “Really? I should put in that much? Maybe we could just baby step this first, ya know?” But, it turns out that you can’t give back half of a cable box, soooo….it’s kind of a done deal.

I predict:

1. My apartment is gonna get REALLY clean.
2. Both my gym and running shoes will get a lot more use.
3. I’ll get some sort of fix from NPR for a while but will throw my radio through the window after I hear the same story 3 times in one night.
4. Books will be finished! Huzzah!
5. I will make a SERIOUS dent in my writing/editing projects.

T-minus 10 days...

A month ago I started toying with the idea of canceling my cable. I hemmed and hawed, even came up with a list:

1. This could be bad for my career.
PR folk are supposed to know lots of stuff about lots of stuff ("or a little bit about a lot," for all you Moore family members out there). But really, this isn't a valid reason with all the newspaper and online coverage I see. So really, #1 is just a b.s. excuse for "I should probably know the latest E! news gossip straight from Ryan Seacrest's lip-glossed lips." (You just know he uses gloss.)

2. But what about educational TV?
Right. Because I'm watching a lot of that at 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning. (In case you're wondering, that's re-runs of 90210 on Soap Net.)

3. But I don't get sucked in to all the crap!
Despite the fact that I've just referenced E! News (and that I know to use the ! after the "E"), I spent 3 hours last Sunday watching America's Next Top Model. I felt really sh*tty about my body after that. Just like I've stopped reading high fashion magazines because I know how they make me feel, TV is full of really thin, really shallow people. What goes in feeds how we feel.

4 through....yeah. I got nothing. There's no time like the present, and whatnot.

So, I've decided that after The Sopranos finale, I'm gonna pull the cord. (A smoker picks a quit date, after all.)

As far as how long I'll hold out - I'm shooting for the duration of the summer. There are fields to roam through and friends to visit and neighborhoods to be explored. If there's an easy season to to do it, I figure this is it.

Just to be clear: this isn't some sort of soapboxy plea for all people to give up their TVs.

I've simply realized that this is a good deal for me right now. The TV has been too much of a companion. Hopefully this will lead me to grow more comfortable with silence, to rediscover old music when I can't take it anymore, and to get some fresh air when I'm claustrophobic.

Today's Album: Kicking Television - Wilco

Burn...cont'd.

Thought my few and faithful might appreciate the efforts of two rounds with a particularly crimson pen. I’m calling this one for the Sharpie.

From my back

Puffy white vapor of cloud –
You b r e e z e
across this lapis dome of sky
with such smoky slowness,
dissipating after a minute or two.

Just a second ago your soft molecules
gathered in a marshmallow-y cluster
to form magic things
(lobsters and continents and the like)
before shape-shifting into something
like a cactus or a diving bird
with a too-long wing.

Oh, to be like you,
easily releasing shape as it suits.

Summer Benedictions

I’ve always wanted to live a good, full and meaty life. That kind of existence that leaves me spent - where all the potential in a day has been wrung from it and I STILL keep tugging and twisting to get that last drop out.

I had it all - this whole rush of scary and sweet newness over the last few years and at some point, I’d had enough. My hands couldn’t wring any more. I wanted to curl up for a bit and rest. Slow things down. Get to know myself again.

And that was all well and good and timely and beautiful. Really, really, really beautiful.

Then sometime around April, that dum-de-dum pace started to get old. It was complacency, not restoration.

Perhaps this warm summer air or the *idea* that I might be canceling my cable has lit a fire under me again.

Kiddos, it’s time for something communal and exciting. No more of this solitary winter hibernating.

*******

Let us make fireworks and revel about to LOUD music.

May we feast and rejoice with each other. (Lots of feasting. And hours of egregious fellowship.)

May this life’s already begun blessings stretch down with deeper rooting.

May these minds step over the dead weight of our pasts. The chaff has been burned. It is time to pass the ashes and leave them behind.

May we be adventurers – to distant lands and unfamiliar pastimes.

May we fully embrace life. May we embrace each other without abandon.

*****

"After looking at the way things are on this earth, here's what I've decided is the best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life. And that's about it. That's the human lot. Yes, we should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what's given and delighting in the work. It's God's gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now. It's useless to brood over how long we might live."

Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 (The Message)

Summer is:

sunglasses
reading in the shade
walks at night
Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give it Up”
fresh strawberries
ice cold lunar ale
back porch hang sessions
tiki torches
fresh faces
floaty, floral skirts
outdoor concerts
cruising the farmer’s market
afternoon naps
hot fudge sundaes from DQ
tan lines
burgers
car windows down, Common’s “The Light” blaring
cicadas
sitting in the cheap seats at the K
buying flowers for no good reason
being torn between iced and hot coffee
flip flops
clean perfume