Get it.

Since I've decided to go to Kenya, I've started paying more attention to what's happening on the continent.

There's a lot.

This last week, Oprah did a great program on conflicts and problems in Uganda and Sudan.

Uganda
In case you haven't seen it, I highly recommend catching the documentary Invisible Children to see first-hand what the Ugandan children are going through. It will break your heart in half. Every night, hundreds of children walk to the center of town, sometimes for hours, just to escape the possibility of being kidnapped from their homes and forced to fight for a rebel leader.

Tomorrow night, people across the world are participating in the Global Night Commute in metropolitan areas to raise awareness. What would it look like if hundreds of suburban eight-year-olds had to walk to the center of town to be saved from someone climbing through their windows and abducting them in the middle of the night? It's an interesting way to look at what could be happening in our own backyard.

If you're in KC, people are meeting off the plaza from 6-10 p.m. to raise awareness for the Ugandan people.

Sudan
Although I've been following the Ugandan crisis since January or so, I've pretty recently been clued in to the fact that there is a holocaust happening in the Sudan.

I don't use that term lightly. Referring to the problem there as a holocaust might not even do it justice. According to the Web site savedarfur.org:

Right now a campaign of rape, slaughter and displacement is currently being carried out in the western region of Sudan, the largest country in Africa. Government-supported troops have displaced 2.5 million people in the past two years, hundreds of thousands have died due to attacks, disease and starvation, and it is estimated that 500 men, women and children continue to die every day.

On Oprah's show, George Clooney spoke about how women go out at night to chop wood, knowing full-well that they'll most certainly be gang raped. They go, because if their husbands went, they'd be murdered.

That's an unreal choice to have to make.

Follow that with today's news that the UN had to cut food aid to the Sudanese in half because of a lack of funds (see BBC article). They need our help. Badly.

I realize I'm being awfully serious for a Friday afternoon, but I'm sort of outraged. I'm sick of sitting here when there are so many things that we can do.

We've got to get educated. Ignorance is just not an excuse. There are way to many people paying attention to these issues, and I've been way to slow waking up to it.

So, I'm going to keep posting things as I hear them on my blog, but I highly encourage you to visit sites like BBC News Africa, create a Google News Alert about Africa, or check out a book, magazine or movie about Africa.

Then, research charities that are already helping. Oprah's got a great resource on her Web site.

Then, Email your representatives and let them know this is important.

And finally, make sure to sign petitions with the ONE campaign, and email President Bush at Save Darfur.

We can make a difference. Our voices collectively will help make a lasting change in the world.

prayer

n: 'prer

1 a (1) : an address (as a petition) to God or a god in word or thought (2) : a set order of words used in praying b : an earnest request or wish

Merriam Webster let me down today. This definition is inadequate. I think God would be disappointed.

Growing up in the Catholic church, a prayer was something you repeated each Sunday at mass, yet didn't understand. Prayer was repetitive and obligatory.

My Grandpa Moore was diagnosed with cancer when I was in 4th grade. One night he fell out of bed while we were on a summer vacation. As I heard my Dad creep upstairs, and pick up his father, I prayed desperately. Prayer was an act of faith.

I got "born again" at 16 and said a 3-step prayer because I was afraid my Catholic, non-evangelical self was going to hell...not because I was seeking a God that would right my life. Prayer was my feet being held to the coals.

Staring at the love of my 18-year-old world in the face as he told me that he'd cheated on me, but was "man enough" to tell me, I prayed through sobs that stuck in my throat, during a primordial scream. Prayer was a breath, something as connected to me as a desperate cry.

In college, I found freedom in friends that were vibrant, involved, and caring. I met sorority sisters with Samsonite-quality baggage as well as breezy, effortless confidence. Prayer was thanksgiving for a support system, and a family when mine wasn't there every day. It was freedom.

I found a man that made me laugh and cry and taught me how to be tough and strive for something. For four years, prayer was a private expression of this love.

Days before I graduated, in a place of desperation, I re-found God, reaching out for the Jesus that I knew existed: loving, kind, and active. He held me in his hand, and gave me courage to let him love me back. Prayer was love and redemption. It was truly being known.

Journeying to Kansas City, working for a PR Firm, I found solace in myself, a new life and Rob Bell sermons. Prayer was a multitude of new gifts, a purpose, faith, and comfort.

Traveling for business and pleasure, I met strangers, saw new cities, ate strange food and found my way around many a bustling metropolis. Prayer was a blessing - freshness, nature, and stimulation.

I found someone with freckles that matched mine perfectly, and later came to terms with the fact that timing is everything. Sometimes it's not love's time, no matter how much you wish it so, or how much it breaks your heart. Prayer was devastation, reality, and bliss in one explosive moment.

The wind shifted and blew me somewhere new. Emboldened by this recent assertiveness and the beginning stages of understanding my purpose, I began making sweeping life changes a year or so ago. Prayer was taking a new step each day, and being conscious of who directed them.

I fell in love with a continent I'd never seen. Educating myself about Africa, I've undertaken the single biggest challenge and joy of my life. Prayer was/is completely letting God control everything...getting on my knees, weeping and trusting.

Now, with almost the full trip cost raised (within spitting distance) it's about goodness. I've danced around my apartment after each check has come in, each person supported or volunteered, Upendo completed, and people have comforted me. Prayer has become an expression of praise. It's compulsory, realizing, and thankful.

In my lifetime, prayer has been a multitude of things so much more complex than simply kneeling in a pew or beside your bed...but it can be those things too.

It's so much more than repetition, but I belive that when you know nothing else than those words, God must love and treasure them as much as an intimate dialogue. As a parent, he must treasure a quick call just to check in as much as a long weekend home and a trip to the museum.

I pray that no one ever tells you what a prayer has to be. That no one says to you "if it's not that, or these specific words, or this type of way, then don't bother." Because I think that must make God deeply sad when he's confined. The God of our universe is surely capable of being something unique to each uniquely created person.

Define it for yourself - Through your life, your breath, your experience. Seek new ways to break it outside of a box, not contain it within some inadequate Webster's definition.

Spring Suggestions

Looking for a few ways to expand your horizons on a dreary Wednesday?

1. New tuneage spices up the middle of the week.

April Showers-
Puhuri - Paavoharju - Yhä Hämärää
Black River - Amos Lee - Amos Lee
The Golden Morning Breaks - Colleen - The Golden Morning Breaks
Small Hours - John Martyn - Sweet Little Mysteries: The Island Anthology
In A Town This Size - John Prine With Dolores Keane - In Spite Of Ourselves
Eastern Glow - The Album Leaf - In a Safe Place
The Hidden Track - Earlimart - Treble & Tremble
Spelunking - Laura Veirs - Year of Meteors
What You Do - Aberfeldy - Young Forever
Letter To A John / Tamuritza Lingua - Ani DiFranco - So Much Shouting So Much Laughter
In The Lord's Arms - Ben Harper - Burn To Shine
Romulus - Sufjan Stevens - Greetings From Michigan: The Great Lakes State
Noticed - MuteMath - Mute Math

2. Surf it.

Get hip to newest Kenyan news.
What's up in the world? BBC's got it for ya...for real fair & balanced.
Today's impeachment-tastic Natalie Dee.
A great Christian blog - The Way. Super deep and well-written.
I found this Guyanese blogger, and it's awesome. Drink him in.

3. Get out there!

Currently on my KC spring/summer activity wishlist and most are free/cheap!
The Merry Widow at the Lyric
Kenyan Elephants at the KC Zoo & IMAX
Jazz Matinee Sundays at Mike's Tavern
Plaza Live Concerts
American Jazz Museum - Fine Art of KC Jazz Photo Exhibit
Boulevard tours - although Zon tastes like sucking on a lemon, I bet I could get E to go.
An Affair to Remember - Crown Center Free Friday Night Flicks - July 7

What I've been dreaming of....

Psalm 84 (The Message)

What a beautiful home, GOD of the Angel Armies!
I've always longed to live in a place like this,
Always dreamed of a room in your house, where I could sing for joy to God--alive!

Birds find nooks and crannies in your house,
sparrows and swallows make nests there.
They lay their eggs and raise their young,
singing their songs in the place where we worship.
GOD of the Angel Armies! King! God!
How blessed they are to live and sing there!

And how blessed all those in whom you live,
whose lives become roads you travel;
They wind through lonesome valleys, come upon brooks,
discover cool springs and pools brimming with rain!
God--traveled, these roads curve up the mountain, and
at the last turn--Zion! God in full view!

God of the Angel Armies, listen:
O God of Jacob, open your ears--I'm praying!
Look at our shields, glistening in the sun,
our faces, shining with your gracious anointing.

One day spent in your house, this beautiful place of worship,
beats thousands spent on Greek island beaches.
I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God
than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin.
All sunshine and sovereign is GOD,
generous in gifts and glory.
He doesn't scrimp with his traveling companions.
It's smooth sailing all the way with GOD of the Angel Armies.

What if we woke up today and realized that all of this is exactly what we'd been dreaming of? Nirvana. Paradise. Heaven. All of it. Here.

If we lived our lives like this psalm - aware, thankful, prayerful, joyful - it would be not only be healing to us individually, it would be revolutionary to interactions with the world.

In the last 24 hours, I can find ways we are ruining things:

• Using too much of every natural resource the earth has blessed us with
• Complaint has become a more common language than kindness
• We are more isolated, even as we jog alongside each other or sit in gridlock on the freeway
• It is all about me. MY advancement. MY success. MY struggle. Me, me, me.
• Our appetite for satisfaction is insatiable, and it is rotting us from the inside out on our quest to buy more stuff, be the prettiest, do things perfectly

Conversely, in the same 24 hours, God has redeemed all of that - flipping it around 180 degrees.

He has instead, been healing, hopeful, and faithful. He has:

• Stretched this paycheck, encouraged recycling, and provided natural and financial resources that people I know need
• Healed me through some of the kindest words that directly answered prayers I prayed
• Used isolation to teach me how to honor my parents, myself, and provided time for introspection over a lunch hour sojourn
• Given me the conviction to try and take myself of my prayer life for awhile - letting others in
• Through the repeated promises in his Word, proved that satisfaction is not found in anything but Him. Not in money, clothing, love or approval, but in connecting with Him and applying his principles into this world.

As the psalmist says, I have always longed to live in a place like this.

It's always been so, but the perspective I view things through is often skewed. I've missed that on earth, I can be connected to God, seeing a world through His redeeming gaze - a place where He is with me every moment, in every set of eyes I look into.

As the psalmist says, I have always dreamed of a place where I could go to be freely who I am.

I am there. I believe in an earth where God is vastly present, and now, I am there, free to be who I've been created to be: effervescent, life-giving, prayerful, humbled, joy-full, peace-full.

As the psalmist says, those in whom you live are blessed. Their lives become roads you travel.

God is a good hiking buddy. He ought to know the trail, since He made the dust, navigated the path, and has traversed its roads a thousand times before.

a minute of the sabbath

4:18 p.m.

Blue skies blaze around me.

This is no passive, lazy afternoon sky. Any traces of typical baby-blue pigment have been wiped clean and intensified with a fresh coat of indigo. The Saturday afternoon stretches out in a 360 degree tribute to God, a burning dome of heaven above, around, near and out in front of me.

Drinking every bit of the day in, all of the car’s windows are napping inside their little car door beds. The wind races over me, gusting from my left side, slapping a high five onto my cheek as it splits, both doggedly gunning through the passenger’s window, and simultaneously sucked out through the gaping sunroof.

"A-catch the wind, see us spin,
Sail away, leave today
Way up high in the sky..."

70’s rock DEFEANINGLY loud (as God intended), Led Zep burns my ears as the sun deftly reddens my left arm, comfortably resting on the car window's ledge.

Drawing in air, I tense up the diaphragm, wait, then unabashedly belt out,

"It won't, but the wind won't blow, we really shouldn't go
It only goes to show
that you will be mine by takin' our time
Oooh, wo-o-o…"

Blissfully my vocal cords claim their freedom. The tune my brain has remembered since I was 10 has escaped into this beautiful day. I feel like I've just shared a secret with the world. My Dad would be proud, I think and smile slyly.

A perfect moment on a perfect sabbath, and I'm present in it.

How beautiful congnizance is.

Saturday's soundtrack:
What Is And What Should Never Be - Led Zeppelin - Led Zeppelin II

dona nobis pacem

How do I cultivate peace in my life?

1. speaking truthfully
2. advocating for myself
3. being intentional
4. admitting when I'm wrong
5. standing firm when I'm right
6. falling in love with God through prayer
...through the Word
...through my friend's filters
7. escaping in music
8. capturing a moment on paper
9. embracing culinary chemistry
10. wrangling with images
...dilluting pigment
...collaging a new world on canvas
12. accepting where I am at this moment.
and this one.
and this one too.
and now, this.

"The LORD gives strength to his people; the LORD blesses his people with peace." - Psalm 29:11

Asante sana

Today I can write the thank yous of a fragmented, loved-on, blessed daughter.

1. I found a stellar playlist on one of my favorite music blogs - Motel de Moka. Among the greats is a Madonna remix and a dancetastic song called "I gotta thang (uh huh)." Right click, select save target as, and enjoy the hotness.

2. Hope is a wonderful thing. I saw it shine in a friend's words today, and I'm proud of him. In whatever state hope exists - slowly flickering or rolling like a thunderstorm - it inspires everyone it touches.

3. I'm happy God is teaching me how to love myself right. I think it's something that women must start to get in their mid-twenties, but I knew how to love myself...I just had no clue what it was to do it right.

4. For you...the ALL that I need.

5. Fat Tire's summer seasonal should be out soon. Although rumor has it that Loft, my favorite beer of all time is being replaced, I have faith that the pilsner masters will concoct something equally tasty.

6. I'm happy to be meeting a sorority sister from UNI tonight. I can't promise not to cheer, secret handshake and talk about how "We Live for Each Other." I am tremendously thankful that there were some amazing women who loved the distorted lady that I was for 4 1/2 years.

7. For discernment. For these words:
"However, as it is written:
'No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him'
but God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. " 1 Corinthians 2:9-10

Thank you,
yahweh.jehovah.alpha.omega.dust.
ash.sky.ground.flesh.vapor.risen.
mortal.happiness.grief.
oppositelyperfectsavior.

I ch-ch-choose You

I love The Simpsons. I especially love the Ralph Wiggumisms.

One of my favorite moments is when he gives a valentine to Lisa: "Heh, it says Ch..Ch..Choose me.. and it has a picture of a train on it.. heh"




















You gotta love the simplicity.

On my way over to Lincoln this weekend, I had a lot of time to think, and I found a strange combination of truths in little Ralph Wiggum's valentine message and in a Rob Bell sermon. A pastor and a cartoon both touched on a similar point in very different ways.

In an effort to focus, I listened to a few Rob Bell sermons on my trip. I wasn't in the mood for something simple, so I found myself in the middle of a mind-blowing series called Ten Words, a study on the Ten Commandments. It's ginormous, and worthy of a lot of reflection, and as usual, the truth poked and prodded it's way into my soul's deepest fleshy parts.

Gripping the steering wheel, letting Rob's words wash over me, I realized that God is all about choices, and I'm trapped between two worlds.

(Actually, I'm trapped between a ton, but for the sake of today's reflecting, take exhibits A & B.)

A is the part of me that exists outwardly - very engaged in the moment, eager to absorb culture, life, friends and every tangible detail that surrounds me. Whenever I'm occupied and my mind isn't left to wander, this is the space I very comfortably occupy.

B is mutable mush inside my head. It's lightning fast, endlessly urgent and insatiably future-thinking. It inspires and gives life, and oppositely can defeat a dream just as quickly as it flickers across my cortex.

Since these two urges are naturally bipolar (present and future, equally urgent) and cause me to feel pulled in opposite directions, I was left wondering how to bridge the gap. How could I do it?

Amidst the stormy green skies and pounding rain, Rob's voice was pounding out like something Moses would have said. "We have to choose who and what we will follow."

Choose to place God first - multiple times a day, an hour, a minute, whatever it takes.
Choose to shut out the what-ifs and dwell on the what-ares.
Choose to be grateful for the immediate blessings and those coming down the pipeline right now.

Or in simple Wiggum-speak - I just have to ch-ch-choose.

I'm trying this out, and it's helping blend some of the future stuff inside my head with how I engage people presently, because choosing slows me down, makes me thankful, keeps me present, and gives me some solidity.

So, today, I ch-ch-choose to be unbelievably grateful and thankful. Here's my start.

I'm grateful for my Mom. We had a great time for Easter and I love her. Just as she is, and as she will keep being. She's fantastic.

I love stormy weather and I drove through a scary section of it on Saturday. It was like a scene from Twister, and I prayed through the whole thing. It was so cool.

I'm glad that God wants me to be here working out good and bad stuff. I'm blessed to be on earth today.

I'm blessed because of Africa. It's changing my life in a permanent way. I am almost there. I feel like I can smell the chipati and see the people and taste the air. It will be like heaven.

My wish for you all today is this: Don't wake up in the middle of something you haven't chosen. Be blessed, be loved, and choose today.

Today's Soundtrack: It's Your World (Pop's Reprise) - Common - Be
*Check out the lyrics in the last section - it'll inspire you to be something great.

Melodious Joy

+























= awesomeness.

Vamos a Lincoln, kiddies. I'm packing up tomorrow to see the fam for Easter, and I needed a few playlists. Why, you ask?

Because music soothes the savage beast (and beats the hell out of a 3-hour drive without tuneage).
The program's done.
This IS a Good Friday.
I'm gonna see my peeps tonite.
I'll see the fam in Husker-ville tomorrow.
Excessively long playlists seemed appropriate.
It's gonna be hotter than the face of the sun today. I'm too hot to work.

So, for all you music fans out there, here's a chance to peer into my bipolar musical leanings. I'll guarantee there's something for everyone inside. Jump off that diving board and into the crystaline waters of melody...you'll love it, trust me.

While I know directions aren't necessary, indulge me.
1. Visit iTunes or your favorite musical establishment
2. Exercise that credit card's ability to swipe
3. Sit back
4. Pour something cold
5. Enjoy...loudly

Here's 2 from the last 24...

4.13 / a-z
How Come You Don't Call Me - Alicia Keys - Songs In A Minor
A Day Late - Anberlin - Never Take Friendship Personal
Pissed Off - Angie Stone - Mahogany Soul
Both Hands - Ani DiFranco - Living In Clip (Disc 2)
Breathe (2 a.m) - Anna Nalick
Since I Seen't You - Anthony Hamilton & Mark Batson - iTunes Originals - Anthony Hamilton
Waiting In Vain - Bob Marley & The Wailers - One Love
Swallowed In The Sea - Coldplay - X&Y
It's Your World/Pop's Reprise -Common Feat. Bilal - Be
The Line - D'Angelo - Voodoo
Rhyme & Reason - Dave Matthews Band - Live At Red Rocks 8.15.95 (Disc 2)
Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like Dat) - Digable Planets - Reachin' (A New Refutation Of Time And Space)
Munich - Editors - Munich
I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues - Elton John - Elton John: The Greatest Hits 1970-2002
I Cannot Hide My Love - Enter The Worship Circle - Second Circle
Cleva - Erykah Badu - Mama's Gun
Butterflies - Floetry - Floetic
Let Go - Frou Frou - Details
Lazy Moon - Groove Armada - Goodbye Country (Hello Nightclub)
Looks Good (But You Looked Away)- Helio Sequence - The Love And Distance
Everything In Its Own Time - Indigo Girls - Shaming Of The Sun
You Are What You Love - Jenny Lewis With The Watson Twins - Rabbit Fur Coat
Live It Up - John Legend & Miri Ben-Ari - Get Lifted
Change Your Mind - The Killers - Hot Fuss
You Are The Only One - Kirk Franklin's Nu Nation - God's Property
Protection - Massive Attack - Protection
Bring Me Some Water - Melissa Etheridge - Melissa Etheridge
Trouble Sleeping (Acoustic) - The Perishers - Let There Be Morning
Burn - Ray LaMontagne - Live from Bonaroo 2005
Rocksteady - Remy Shand - The Way I Feel
Cigarettes And Chocolate Milk (Reprise) - Rufus Wainwright - Poses
Saeglopur - Sigur Rós - Takk
Soft Revolution - Stars - Set Yourself On Fire
When It Falls - Zero 7 - When It Falls

Crimson
Song for the Dumped - Ben Folds Five - Whatever & Ever Amen
Vegetarian Restaurant - Aberfeldy - Young Forever
Sovay - Andrew Bird - Untitled
Dusk, You & Me - Groove Armada - Vertigo
Sunset (liminal mix)- High Tea - Chill Out In Ibiza 4 - Dawn to Dusk (Disc 1)
Take Me With U - Prince And The Revolution - Purple Rain
Pride (In The Name Of Love) - U2 - The Best Of 1980-1990
Fire Door - Ani DiFranco
This Is That New Song - Badly Drawn Boy - One Plus One Is One
High and Dry - Bilal - Radiohead Remixed
I Love U - Dwele - Some Kinda...
Jamming - Bob Marley & The Wailers - One Love
nag champa (afrodisiac for the world) - common - like water for chocolate
Praise Awaits You - Enter The Worship Circle - Second Circle
Clocks -Coldplay - A Rush Of Blood To The Head
The New - Interpol - Turn On The Bright Lights
Hold On, Hold On - Neko Case - Fox Confessor Brings the Flood
Haiti - The Arcade Fire - Funeral
Heaviest Heart - Magnet - Good Music for UNICEF Tsunami Relief Fund
Love - Musiq Soulchild - Aijuswanaseing
First Love - Goapele - First Love
To Love Somebody - Eagle Eye Cherry
Somebody's Baby - Yo La Tengo - Genius + Love = Yo La Tengo (1 of 2)
Just Like Heaven - The Cure - Greatest Hits
All is Full of Love - Death Cab For Cutie
This Fire - Franz Ferdinand - Franz Ferdinand
Stall Out - MuteMath - Mute Math
Better Things - Massive Attack - Protection
Hopeless - Dionne Farris - Love Jones
Your Song - Elton John - Elton John: The Greatest Hits 1970-2002
One Place - Everything But The Girl - Acoustic
Hold My Hand - Van Hunt - Van Hunt
Used to Love U - John Legend - Get Lifted
Blinded by the Light- The Streets
Street Spirit (Fade Out) - Radiohead - Chill Out In Ibiza 4 - Dawn to Dusk (Disc 1)
When I Goosetep - The Shins - Wicker Park
Time Has Told Me - Nick Drake - Five Leaves Left
Wild Horses - The Sundays - Blind
Bedda At Home - Jill Scott - Beautifully Human - Words and Sounds, Vol. 2

Yahweh...

Yesterday I went to walk the stations of the cross at Jacob's Well. It was just one more example of how dearly I love this community of people. As I mentioned in my Ash Wednesday post, JW does a really fantastic job of merging many different faith traditions, and taking the better parts of some really dogmatic, ritualistic traditions, pulling the meaning out of them, and making for a really beautiful interaction with the Lord.

Cass joined me, and we walked the stations after work. It was like being at a holy museum in the middle of a day where I desperately needed to meet the face of a savior and a dear friend.

I got what I came for.

As we talked through how we felt about each station and processed what we were witnessing, I was overwhelmed at how an experience I'd walked through in a meaningless fashion before in the parishes of my youth could be so updated and relevant.

For inspiration at each station, they posted two pieces of recently created artwork in place of tile interpretations (what I'd seen in most Catholic churches).

It was inspiring to see people create a work for the savior - beauty chronicling some of the most painful moments in human existence. What was particularly noteworthy was that they'd invited children to create something too. Some were really literal - blood and gore and suffering, and others were abstracted works with thread, words and color interpreting the final moments of Christ's life.

Cool and museum-like as the walk was, the experience was particularly painful for me.

I love the concept of grace dearly, but I continually have to return to God to even begin to understand it. It's hard during this Easter season to continually remind myself of how broken and unworthy I am, and how much he physically endured, because he believed I am beautiful and worthy.

A man, a flesh and blood man that I never knew was whipped, spat on, bled profusely, carried a weighty piece of wood up hills, fell under the burden of its weight, and continued up a hill to the place where he was mercilessly tortured....all for us.

I can't really be ok with that. And I think it's good that I'm not.

As this stuff spun through my mind, it exploded while we stood at the station where Jesus falls for a third time - Station Nine.

I lost it.

I lost all pretense of the prettiness of God. As I wept then and prayed throughout the night, I realized that I was standing close enough to him that he could kiss me and tell me the truth. The truth of the crucification is the embodiment of how much he love(d)(s) me.

The overwhelming burden that he took on for me is something that I can't ever be good enough to deserve. No matter how much sin I try to avoid, eradicate or shut out, I'll never be good enough for him. But I don't have to be, and I have to get ok with that.

The only way I know to show him how thankful I am is not to BE perfect, but to praise him and BE REAL. To really shine in all the ways he intended for me. To touch the faces of those that are hurting. To do my best not to cause hurt, but to sow love.

And above all, to just love him, and be unabashed in my display of it. So here goes...

I am loved.

I am blessed.

I have a God that loved me so much that he burst through the heavens, lived amongst his children, and then sacrificed himself for me.

I must love Him utterly. I have no other option...my heart compels me to it. There is no other impulse, no other facade in me. I am a daughter of God...THE Yahweh...THE Jehovah...THE Living God.

Today's soundtrack: I Cannot Hide My Love - Enter the Worship Circle: Second Circle

Bllllaaaaahhhh....

Ahh...the ability to think coherently is returning, kiddies. After one of the busiest weeks in a long time, I'm set to hand in the program for my next opera tomorrow, and I will do this...Le sigh. Until then, I'll be attempting to return to well-ordered thought here. My apologies for the randomness, but it IS my blog, and I'll spew if I want too.

A few thoughts have been pinballing off the corners of my mind, and in an effort to shut them the hell up, the blog gets them tonight.

1. God is great. Just great, great, great. (This isn't something I need to shut up...rather something I need to shout more often.)
2. Too often I don't TRUST God to provide. I'm working on this. I have, however, learned to recognize his provision once it's come.
3. If I didn't have music, I'd probably die. Literally die. Air would cease to fill these lungs. I don't care if it sounds dramatic. Inevitable death would be especially quick if I didn't have any Common for the lovely days, Neko Case for late nights, Ani DiFranco for needed fits of righteous feminine indignation, Death Cab for Cutie for the past, Allison Kraus for the future, or Waterdeep for my soul.
4. I am not a very patient person. If I look like I've got my sh*t together, I'm fooling you very well, thank you.
5. It's tiring always wanting to be at the end of the process.
6. I have no clue how to be ok with that.
7. Kiswahili is one hard language to learn...but come hell or highwater, I will step foot in Nairobi and know how to communicate in this beautiful language.
8. Nothing is impossible when God is behind it. He will redeem everything, ordain it all, and put me back together too...even the things above that I'm learning.
9. Breathing slowly is a discipline.
10. When I don't get things, God uses repetition (see 1. below.)

Ahhh...pausing to revel in the selah. It's so good to get the crap off. I'm shaking all my limbs to increase blood flow right now. Shaking my head side to side to knock out some of the dust. Just wait until I post tomorrow. My game face will be on. (Insert - "grrr" and "take that" and "I'm back" and other equally intimidating phrases accompanied by a very vicious-looking Ally - HERE.)

Continuing on...a few quotes/verses that made have made it to the small little corners of my second mind - my moleskin journal with the pocket guaranteed to hold the secrets of the universe.

1. From my lovely well... 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you.." Jeremiah 29: 10-14
2. From a woman's diary as chronicled in Calm my Anxious Heart...
- Never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather.
- Never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else.
- Never compare your lot with anothers.
- Never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise.
- Never dwell on tomorrow - remember that tomorrow is God's not ours.
3. Drinking deeply again..."God...is the blessed controller of all things, the king over all kings and the master of all masters." 1 Timothy 6:15

I'll conclude this circus of lists with a few genuinely emphatic pleas to God. I haven't talked to a lot of you in awhile, but I love you all firecely. I pray you'll have a great day tomorrow. Be blessed, sow love, and reap it in all your little corners of the world.

Tonight's soundtrack for all the insomniacs:
Blacklisted - Neko Case. *Especially the track "Things that Scare Me"

Tomorrow's soundtrack for the mid-week dreamers:
Darn that Dream - Dinah Washington

Connecting the dots

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child..." 1 Corinthians 13:11

I discovered The Dave Matthews Band when Crash came out in 1996. It doesn't always make my top 5 list, but I love rediscovering it. Last night, as I listened to a live Dave CD, I wondered why he had stuck with me, even as I'd changed so much over the years.

This album was my life's first soundtrack to a relationship. I was just as passionate then, but without much focus and a heart aching to love just about whoever would take it. At the time, I was pining after my first love and my overanalytical mind sought solace in late nights filled with poetry writing. The brain did its best thinking while absorbing the song Let You Down on repeat. (Click here, then select the song to listen.)

He whispers, "I have no lid upon my head, but if I did, you could look inside and see what's on my mind...oh, it's you," surrounded intensely, desperately, by the repeating chorus, "I let you down, let me pick you up."

My fifteen-year-old heart had been crushed - stomped on forcefully with a sturdy shoe and the side to side grind of an intentional man, and I could only focus on the repeating....I let you down, let me pick you up.

He had dropped me hard and turned around, so at night, I'd pretend those contritions would part his lips. I let the lyrics soothe me like I'd heard them in real time.

I obsessed about that particular lyric because the utter heartbreak of the moment demanded it, but mostly because I didn't have the experience to appreciate the better parts of the song. The idea that someone could be both sorry and wish that they could let you in completely in the same moment was foreign. Life wasn't that complex yet.

Rethinking all this, I decided to experiment. 10 years later, I've reset the scene. I'm sitting in a similarly darkened room, candles casting flickering shadows on my walls like they used to then. I'm taller, rounder and my soul has seen more battles now. Still, surely I'll identify with the same feelings. That's why this CD is so great. It stands the test of time.

The introduction is quieter than I romanticized. I remembered it more frenzied and sturdy. His voice is soft, not as penitent as it was when I put Joel's voice behind it.

I have no lid upon my head, but if I did, you could look inside and see what's on my mind...oh it's you. I notice that he had to work up to adding in the last line, admitting that it was her. He couldn't say it on the first pass.

On second listen, I realize I've heard I let you down so many times that my brain skippes over it. It's just repetitive, and the song doesn't make it ring true anymore. When I was 15, pain was novel.

But wishing that he could share his very thoughts, now that's something that makes me get up and press the left arrow...three, four, five, no, six times now. I can't believe I missed something so impressive and genuine.

At the end of the song he whistles it away. I used to get lost in the passion of it, but now it seems like he's giving up on being sorry, maybe even giving up on her, and he's sort of happy with it. That makes me chuckle. In the last few years, I've left intense relationship conversations drained like I'd given blood. As I drove home confused, bewildered and unsure, I've laughed and cried at the same time. I suck at whistling...otherwise I'd have tried it.

Enough for now. I can't listen to the same song with repeated ferocity any more. My time traveling is over. Even I can't stand to analyze this much.

End result: the reason this album is so good is that it doesn't stand the test of time, it walks through it with you. Like Pablo Neruda, my many journals, God and Dinah Washington standards, it was my first heartbreak when I needed it, and now it's the validation of a life I've experienced.

...so, maybe I'll just hit repeat one more time.

Satiated

'sA-shE-"At

transitive verb: to satisfy (as a need or desire) fully or to excess

"Open wide your mouth and I will fill it." - Psalm 81:10












I've found that my Bible is like my purple Nalgene water bottle. Able to hold lots of thirst quenching liquid, always at my side in case I decide to take an unexpected trip to the gym or it gets to be 90 degrees outside. It's my thirst contingency plan.

Even more than a trusty water resevoir, it's also become a companion. I've had coffee with it, and on it, come to think of it. I've taken it to dinner. To the park. Introduced its better thoughts with friends. Sought council, wisdom and discernment in its veins. Desperately peered into its mind for comfort, hope and solace.

It took me a while to get that this book wasn't a miraculous oracle, or work of fiction with some good points.

This book kept its promises.

When I studied its teachings deeper, they tended to follow the way the world could be in its finest moments. Things work better when they're peaceful (Psalm 85). When I put my hope in the Lord, I'm blessed (Psalm 146). God knows me intimately (Psalm 139). He is everlasting and eternally loving (Psalm 147).

But why was this ancient book right on?

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning." John 1: 1-2

The reason I'm able to have my thirst quenched, and my fears assuaged is that this book, these archaic words, ARE God. They're words that were with him at the beginning of time. Just because it's old, doesn't mean it's outdated.

I know this is heavy stuff to wrap your mind around in the middle of a busy week.

However, I think the cool part about the Bible's thirst-quenching is that it's portioned out. We don't have to get it all at once, like a fire hydrant satiating our thirst. That would be impossible...not to mention overwhelming and drowning. We're able to turn it on and off like a faucet and it's always full of coolness.

Drink deeply today, and keep your water bottle by your side. You never know when you'll decide to start running...and I know I do better when I'm hydrated.

Life consists in what a man is thinking of all day...

I'm sitting this one out for a few rounds.

Today's post is ghost-written by works from the incomparable Ralph Waldo Emerson. Enjoy...

From Essay IV - Spiritual Laws:

"When the act of reflection takes place in the mind, when we look at ourselves in the light of thought, we discover that our life is embosomed in beauty. Behind us, as we go, all things assume pleasing forms, as clouds do far off. Not only things familiar and stale, but even the tragic and terrible, are comely, as they take their place in the pictures of memory.

The river-bank, the weed at the water-side, the old house, the foolish person, — however neglected in the passing, — have a grace in the past. Even the corpse that has lain in the chambers has added a solemn ornament to the house. The soul will not know either deformity or pain. If, in the hours of clear reason, we should speak the severest truth, we should say, that we had never made a sacrifice.

In these hours the mind seems so great, that nothing can be taken from us that seems much. All loss, all pain, is particular; the universe remains to the heart unhurt. Neither vexations nor calamities abate our trust. No man ever stated his griefs as lightly as he might. Allow for exaggeration in the most patient and sorely ridden hack that ever was driven. For it is only the finite that has wrought and suffered; the infinite lies stretched in smiling repose. "






















"All our progress is an unfolding, like a vegetable bud. You have first an instinct, then an opinion, then a knowledge as the plant has root, bud, and fruit. Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason."

"Do not waste yourself in rejection, nor bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good."

"God enters by a private door into every individual."