Deservedness

I've seen you walk unafraid
I've seen you in the clothes you've made
Can you see the beauty inside of me?
What happened to the beauty I had inside of me?

And I miss you when you're not around
I'm getting ready to leave the ground

- U2’s City of Blinding Lights

We all hunger to be known. There’s something uniquely human in this desire.

My friends and I have all been struggling with this in acute ways as of late. Feeling that no one truly knows us, sometimes we are left feeling vulnerable, unloved, undeserving, misunderstood, not valued.

I should mention that my friends and I are people committed to knowing Jesus and following his ways. But being a Christian does not exempt us from these feelings of loneliness. I used to think or hope that it did, but I’m finding now that perhaps it magnifies them.

I’m still mining through a rather pervasive feeling of grayness that swept over me in the middle of March. Life has largely returned to normal and I feel good again – loved well, validated, worthy, beautiful, even. But the unexpected hiccup reminded me that this world will always be cold. We will always feel misunderstood and dissatisfied for good reason - because we are made for so much more.

Our souls innately understand and respond to this. As Christians, we hold the truths of the world in our hearts through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. Therefore, though our minds may be malleable, our hearts and souls will not be satisfied with this half foot-in, half foot-out sort of existence that our busybusyrushrush world advocates.

We will always long for the quiet, still spaces where God reveals Himself. We will always long for the revelation in those moments where we know our true identities – we are the beloved sons and daughters of a great King.

As with the best parental relationships, at the core we need not “be” anything more. Only with God, he made us so it would seem that He already is overjoyed that we exist. As the psalm says, “Because he delights in me, he saved me” (Psalm 18:19). Not “Because I have done so much good (or been so perfect or loved so many).” Not for any of the things we could ever do. Quite simply, because HE delights in it.

And so, with that simple truth taking root, I’m trying to keep daily life that simple too. I’m weeding out the excess crap that isn’t life-giving. All the while, slowing things down, I’m reminded that in these lonely times where we don’t know how to stop a war, feed a continent, or eradicate injustice, sometimes we have to step back and know that we’re loved.

Then maybe, just maybe, that love we feel and know to be our identity in Christ will overflow enough to start healing those bigger things.

After all, it only takes a spark…and the fire’s gotta start somewhere.