2 takes on peace

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Last night I felt pretty crummy. My stomach was upset, I had a headache, and I was generally ready to crawl into a cave.

After musing a bit, I realized that I deal horribly with stillness. I don’t turn it into the rewarding experience God ordains it to be. Instead, I get bored. My mind clicks through the multitude of things I should be doing…laundry, cleaning, creating, call someone…my brain is always prepared to ruin the beauty of stillness with some good, old-fashioned Catholic guilt.

Now, my first instinct was to pass the time by uncorking a bottle of wine and painting out my next vision. (Obviously this was not a good idea as my stomach was churning.) My second instinct was to pull out a meaty book of theology and start sifting through all the junk in my life and worldview. (The fact that I was really, really tired wouldn’t allow me to entertain that idea either.) Out of bright ideas at 8 p.m., I followed the tips of stress experts everywhere: light a few candles, turn the lights off, and be still.

Usually when I shut my eyes and center myself, I immediately rush into prayer. Generally I pray about mememememememe, and if I’m having a particularly benevolent day, I’ll focus on a few other people on the back end. (I’m working on this, by the way, as I can’t help but realize how small it makes my life when I keep focusing on myself so damn much.)

But instead of praying, I tried to meditate. Before I knew God very well, I toyed around with meditative practices without ever getting very good at it. In later years, I didn’t try it out again, because the idea sounded “too dangerous” (read: new-agey). Most churches toll the benefits of prayer, largely ignoring meditation (with a Christ-centered heart) all too often, yet I’m convinced that by inviting in the Holy Spirit, we can reap the benefit of being present in his stillness, without the active dialogue of a prayer.

So, honeysuckle and cucumber candles blazing, I stretched out on my comfy little loveseat. All cozied up under my favorite maroon blanket, The Album Leaf mellowing in the background, I started in. Each time I breathed in and out, I thought about how He knit this body together. Each inhale and exhale were a testament to God’s very name, His very essence inside my being. The stillness was remarkable. Even in my exhaustion, I wasn’t ready to fall asleep in the middle of it.

The peace stretched out before and around me, enveloping me like I was swimming alone in the middle of a perfect lake. There was no one but me and my God in that moment.

After learning how to breathe and sorting through a few items I needed to let go of, I crawled in to bed at 9 p.m. and slept more soundly than I have in a long, long time.

******

This afternoon, I’m hacking out our next performance program for Hamlet. My mind is as full of busy stuff as it was before I rested last night. I’ve tried the breathing tricks. They’re sort of working, but not quite as effectively as in my living room. My mind can't take advantage of stillness here, can it?

Definitely not. The mind charges on. My layout is jumping around on me. I’ve got to run this CD to the post office before 5. I have a press release and radio spot to write tomorrow. Where should I go running after work? What was the donor's name I was supposed to include?

Through some well-timed intervention, God reminded me of the beautiful stillness we shared last night in a very stealthy way…through a little Stevie Wonder.

Per usual, the tunes are spinning today. I’d sought out some music to pep me back up into a productive frenzy and this magic message came salsa-stepping through my speakers. “Don’t you worry ‘bout a thing.”

The simplicity of the moment was quieting. It gave me peace. Just let it go. These things aren't that big of a deal.

I smiled to myself. God himself sang these words to me last night. Ok, maybe he spelled them out and relaxed them away, but he knew I needed something different now.

******
2 takes.

Last night I needed some restful peace. I needed to be loved and let go of the doubts that clouded my thinking.

This afternoon, I needed some energizing peace. I needed to know that I don’t need to be a worrywart…even if my soul heads that way by default.

So, I won’t be worrying about anything - just happily typing along until this program is done, while God is standing in the corner checking it out.