The haves and have nots

We are creatures cursed by insatiable desires. We want and want and want and are rarely satisfied. (A mere half hour walk through the mall this weekend had me feeling like I’m not good enough, pretty enough or “with it” enough to show my face in public.)

As a culture, our clichés reflect it – grass greener in other pastures. As a people who seek God, our proverbs warn about it - the fool chasing fantasies and lacking judgment (Prov 12:11).

We can easily spot and number the obvious ways and things we covet. But money, prestige and power are not the only things we yearn for. Smaller things can be just as consuming, preoccupying our minds and slowly stealing our joy. In fact, I’m inclined to believe they’re more dangerous because they’re like a small and quickly spreading crack in the foundation of our being. They provide an excellent foothold for self-destruction and loathing because they’re less obvious. They are the chorus of the “I should be’s:”

Stronger. With a more satisfying job. With just “a little” extra money. With someone. Doing something bigger. Thinner. Reading more. Watching TV less. Trying harder. Smarter. With more friends. Out doing something. Helping someone who needs it.

I thought about my own inner monologue over the weekend, and I was praying last night, I sort of got smacked upside the head by God. It was, in fact, the equivalent of a loving backhand…if that’s possible.

He let me know that when we are consumed by the lack of something in our lives (even something ultimately good) it’s as if we’re telling God that He doesn’t know anything.

Think of it. It’s like saying, “you don’t know how to be God and I do.”

Right now I’m sitting at a computer in the library, my best friend behind me, and this is exactly where God desires me to be at this moment. Not doing extra work to catch up. Not working on my latest art piece. Not sitting on my couch watching last week’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy.

Just here.

There are a myriad of things that I desire for myself that are bigger and more exciting than this, but if I had it my way, I’d be missing out on this sacred, holy moment that God put in front of me.

I know that we don’t think of healthy wishes and desires this way, but I think it must make God pretty sad to hear us always complaining about something we DON’T have, when there’s so much that we DO.

It’d be like spending a week on one of my paintings, giving it to someone who holds my heart, then having them tell me it shouldn’t be red. It would have been better if it was blue. It’d crush me. I’m glad God has a more resilient and forgiving heart, because I’ve laughed and given the finger to His creation a lot.

He has made me a place in this world. He has given me this life in Kansas City with my job at the opera and the money that I make. He has given me this body and mind and creativity and portioned it out. He has blessed me with these specific friends – far and away. He has ordained this time in my life as one of growth and reflection…by myself.

It's no small coincidence that before praying last night I’d read this passage:

Theologically and judicially I know that every believer has everything as soon as he is converted, but experimentally nothing is his until by faith he claims it. 'Every place the sole of your foot shall tread upon, that have I given unto you.' - Hannah Whitall Smith

Just brilliant. We must, in faith, claim all that currently EXISTS in our worlds - not the things it LACKS. God has blessed and purposed all that surrounds us for His glory. When we focus on that, the worries and what-if’s sort of evaporate. We don’t have to “try” to find things to be grateful for. They are plentiful because our lives are led by God.

Recognizing this truth means we have to let go more. This was something easy to do when I first became a Christian, but every year it becomes a little harder as I gradually become more stubborn, and feel entitled to God’s blessings.

But this is easy to shake off when I’m struck by the way that I love the people in my life. I want them to be happy, overflowing with such blessing that they pour out that joy into everyone around them. If as a mere human, fallible and selfish, I can want something so pure for my family and friends, then surely the God that I love and trust must want something much, much greater for each of us. Something freeing. Something that recognizes every bit of blessing and providence in our lives as the manifestation of Him loving us completely and fully.

“Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-11

Our lives are filled with bread and stones, fish and snakes.

We must choose to realize what God has given us: bread and fish. These things will feed our souls and leave us satisfied with the world.