Finding yourself in the fog
A few weeks ago I wrote about struggling to write since my return from Kenya. Although the struggle has abated in my journal and during my private reflections, during an incredibly honest moment on Saturday I realized that my lack of articulation isn’t entirely about Kenya.
Over coffee at Broadway Café on Saturday morning, Cass asked me 4 well-timed and beautiful questions:
1. What kind of woman do you want to be?
2. What type of woman do people perceive you to be?
3. Who do you think you’re “supposed” to be?
4. What good things from the past woman you’ve been do you want to hold on to?
These questions are incredibly personal, tough to ask, internal and individual. They’re things that my time in Kenya didn’t allow me to focus on because I spent two weeks living in community, then I returned to a life in Kansas City that had moved on without me.
It hit me. I’ve felt like I’ve been losing my identity.
I’m pretty sure that the disaffected nature of recent days is due to the fact that I need to be at the end of the process. I’m not comfortable in the gray, but these are not questions with easy answers…or any at all.
Still, through words of truth uttered by a friend, a few well-timed books, desperate and sincere prayers and abundant life experience, I know that our journey with God isn’t linear like the overused Christian cliché “walk” would imply. It twists, turns, bellies back to look at something again and sits in one place for awhile.
Sometimes the path is too foggy to go on any further. We must acknowledge that fact and wait. It doesn’t mean that we’ve packed up and headed off the trail, but we’re human. Our vision limits what we can see.
But there’s hope that we can grasp tightly. There are moments in our lives where God has given sight, we need only to pause and remember it. There are moments in scripture too.
“As Jesus left the house, he was followed by two blind men crying out, "Mercy, Son of David! Mercy on us!" When Jesus got home, the blind men went in with him. Jesus said to them, "Do you really believe I can do this?" They said, "Why, yes, Master!"
He touched their eyes and said, "Become what you believe." It happened. They saw.”
Matthew 9: 27-30 (The Message)
Will we cry out when we need sight? Will we really believe he can do it?
Today's Soundtrack: Earthquake Weather - Beck - Guero
posted by Ally @ 8:31 AM
9 Comments:
Was the Soulfari trip so much of who you have been for most of the last year, that you've lost track of who you were prior to undertaking that great task/adventure?
B
I wondered that too, but that's not it. I know who I was when I left and this isn't about purpose. It's not a big letdown from a ramp-up to the trip.
It's more about how my life is taking root long-term. Maybe this is more about me becoming an adult than anything else. I'm trying to be cognizant of the inner voices that tell me I should know what make of Africa already...in addition to other life issues.
By and large, I guess it's about identifying who I am to me (which I already know and am comfortable with), reminding myself of who I am to God (which I'm constantly learning) and trying to let go of false expectations that I think other people have (a vestiage of my Catholic upbringing).
Ally, keep chewing on all this. Continue to search your soul for the truth of who you are... but also remember to rest and "Be still knowing that He is God". Simply put, your identity is "God's Beloved"... everything else is just complex details.
Girl...How I miss moments over coffee and your deep reflections of life. These will probably be questions you will ponder for the rest of your life. And the answers will be different as your course takes different directions. But as said above, above all else, you are the Beloved of Christ, a precious child of God.
aahhh...but they're such deliciously complex details ;)
Thinking of your comments reminded me today that a year or so ago, I read somewhere that Max Lucado had written this verse on the first page of his bible:
“Because he DELIGHTS in me, he saved me.” Psalm 18:19.
I inked my own Bible up after I read that, and now every time I open my book, a place I go for clarity, guidance, discernment, and most importantly, TRUTH, that leaps out at me.
God delights in me for no other reason than I am. Lovely.
I also just noticed that when you leave a comment, blogger prompts you to "choose an identity."
What an odd little bit of coincidence...
if you figure this one out, let me know.
Let's all welcome my first spam comment!!!
I may have to rework the comment section.
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