Think Long

Tonight I find myself in a state most unfamiliar to me. I’d usually be well into a REM cycle, but it’s already Friday morning, and after tossing and turning, this whole sleep thing just isn’t working out.

This week has been messy. It’s been hard to shut my brain off at the end of the night. That’s what kept me up tonight - a mind that seems to be preoccupied with what to make of the future.

The future seems so gray, mutable and easy to get consumed in mulling over. As I lay in bed, my body tensed up as my mind traversed the hidden landscapes of what was to come in the next few days, months, years. This fogginess, coupled with the curiosity of a mind left to wander the night, and I was left with a distinct loneliness.

That’s what finally got me out of bed. I’m not going to toss and turn over it. So it seemed like this was an appropriate time to write.

I haven’t talked much here about what it’s like to feel lonely, mostly because I hash it out with people that are seriously invested in my life, and let’s be real…these are intensely personal things and some of you don’t know me very well.

But I realized that if loneliness is what’s been keeping me up at night, I assume that there are a few of you out there feeling the same thing too. So maybe it’d be ok if someone gave voice to the chorus.

I wish I could write a Christian song that had the following refrain:

“It’s really hard to know that you’re working so hard on yourself and trusting in God, but He seems to have a really weird sense of humor, and it hasn’t worked out and now you’re tossing and turning alone. Woo-woo-woo.”

It’d be a lot more real than most of the crap they sing about. But I digress…

This ache…well, it’s not for lack of trying. (Even if my Mom seems to think so.)

My past has initiatives that were nobly attempted, went awry and were later put aside. I’m fully capable of recognizing that God’s protected me pretty well against some big mistakes, and held my heart after it got trampled on for a while.

Clarity aside, I can very distinctly feel this all coming to a head. I mean, something’s gotta give. We all have moments of reckoning. Moments where we’re met with the intense reality of our singleness, and as cool as it is to go check out the Nelson with a best girlfriend (and it was a great Saturday, Cass), I can’t help but yearn for the moment when I’ll get to do the things I love with someone I deserve.

In my prayer time lately, God and I have been chatting a lot about faith, and what true faith looks like. I know that for me, especially with regards to wanting a true partner in my life, it’s about endurance. There’s no quick fix.

The New Testament talks a lot about marathons, and I think faith is a lot like that.

I have no experience running. Still, this last Monday I had the strangest urge and decided it’s something I want to try out. It’d be a tremendous victory for me to run an entire 5K without stopping, and I sort of want to do it.

I went in to the Y and talked with a trainer a little bit, inquiring about a sample program that could teach me how to run. (Yes, I did feel ridiculous for asking that question. The obvious answer seems to “just run.”) He surprised me. He didn’t start to counsel me about how to start running in 2 minute segments, gradually decreasing my walking time until it went away all together. Instead, he looked at the strength of my legs and back and prescribed some weightlifting and stretches to build them up before I began.

He told me that as I got stronger, running for an extended amount of time would require less output. Basically, it’d be easier.

It isn’t until sitting here tonight, mulling over my own success in the marathon my brain is trying to run, that his strategy makes perfect sense.

I’ve been trying to run the distance without recognizing my own weakness and building up some strength first. I’ve just been waiting in faith, sprinting the trail, knowing God will deliver something great, but I guess building up my mind's strength would help it require less exertion.

So that’s what God’s been doing. Making me a whole hell of a lot stronger.

These legs aren’t quite tired yet. I guess they’ve still got a few more miles left in them.

And that’s enough to tire me to sleep.