Fist shakin’ and hip breakin’

My arms hurt. I’ve been wrestling out some questions that I have for God, and His endurance is quite ridiculous. I’ve been putting up a good fight, but I’m tired. I’m sick of having to wait. (Insert pouty face here.)

Unfortunately, building endurance seems to be a central part of strengthening our faith.

Most of my questions as of late deal with unanswered prayers, my patience running out and, as usual, trying to figure out the great mystery of God.

I’ve gone for a walks and found myself tearing up. I’ve started praying and discovered myself beating my hand against the floor. I have quite literally shaken my fists at God.

The frustration has been building up (which is probably why my reactions have been so physical), yet the result is astounding. This visceral sort of questioning of God is the most authentic and vulnerable communication we’ve had in a long time.

Just think of your closest friends. You know that you’ve crossed a crucial threshold when they seem to hurt you and you want to go and rectify the situation. One of my favorite Prince lyrics even touches on this sacred event – “if I was your one and only friend, would you run to me if somebody hurt you – even if that somebody was me?”

(If Prince said it, it has to be true. But I digress…)

Surely this gut-level honesty is a mark of the type of relationship we’re designed to have with our Creator God. He must desire a little fist shaking, because in the aftermath we are spent and exhausted and we can see what our relationship really is – a covenant where He is God and we are not.

I found myself uttering words I never thought I would – “my God, why have you abandoned me?” I know these words aren’t inherently bad. Phrases of abandonment litter the psalms, and Jesus said these words on the cross. But you try saying them. They sputter out of the mouth like chalk. I choked on them – recognizing full well in that moment my place in this world:

I am but an ant waving my fists in anger.
I don’t REALLY mean it.
He is God and I am not.
He has never disappointed me, and He’s not going to start now.

In a clear moment today, this passage from Genesis hit me:

“So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him ‘til daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, “Let me go, for it is daybreak.” But Jacob replied, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
Genesis 31:24-26

I want God to keep struggling with me. Though I break a hip, crush my heart, or lose my head, I just will not let Him go until He blesses me. I will stick it out with Him through the wrestling. I will not run away. I will be trained in faith.

I will release my grip only when He blesses me.