Phobia
I return to this page tentatively and afraid.
The WAY I process is not something new. I expect that it's obvious that words have always been my ally. I cram the margins of my journal with superfluous syntax. I rejoice in a verse's cutting effectiveness when chronicling Jill Scott's heartbreak. I revel in a friend's shared understanding that creates a special language like twins might have, the absence of words saying just as much as their presence.
However, the danger of laying my words out nakedly on these pages is that my inner-most thoughts, values, struggles and longings become open to other people's scrutiny, and they might be too fat, skinny, ugly or freckled for you, you, and you.
There isn't an easy way to confront that fear.
I'd expect it's sort of like being afraid of heights. The only way to conquer it is to climb up the freaking mountain already, and gingerly place your feet at the lip of the cliff. Then, hold on to the closest tree limb, desperately, until
you
just
don't
feel
scared
any
more.
Most of the time people don't even comment here, so I might only have one reader that I'm afraid of. But whether you are person one or one million, friend or foe, I claim today that the most important opinion in my life is first and foremost God's.
So, even if it sounds like a whisper and not a shout, today I scream as I step to edge of this wordy cliff. I desperately cling to the stable, secure tree of God's filling love, screaming my lungs out until the fear is gone, and the blessing of the view is all that's left.
As I stare over the uncertain horizon, miles above the ground, I know I could fall, but I am comforted. A thought rushes at me. I know that He loves me and is well-pleased with his daughter.
A daughter who is working out her deepest fears in front of an anonymous set of eyes.
A daughter who is not perfect and struggles and hopes that her sin is honest and transparent and her life is not a study in hypocrisy.
A daughter who processes best with words and is using them in an effort to share her journey with others who might need a friend.
A daughter who blogs because she loves the blessings He pours out and is bursting with joy to tell this world that needs some happiness.
A daughter that just. won't. be. afraid. any. more.
posted by Ally @ 2:20 PM
6 Comments:
The only thing we have to fear is, fear itself.....
So said FDR, a brilliant man of the 20th century who made lives so much better for so many people.
And rest assured, you've certainly got plenty of readers. Most of us are so challenged by your prose, I suppose, that we are afraid to bare our own inabilities by commenting, lest we look like imbeciles, or at least Cyclone fans...
: )
B
Thanks, Bruce. I know there are friendly eyes viewing these pages...but thanks for the proverbial life preserver.
And...any Iowa team, is a team of mine. I'd issue a retraction if FTS had an editorial page. :)
Sure, sure, sure. Once a Hawkeye Hater, always a Hawkeye Hater. I know how it goes. People rarely flip.
OK. New topic.
When the heck is your trip? August or something like that?
B
It's July 14-29. And I'm about to make a paper chain I'm so freaking excited.
I've spent a lot of time reading up on stuff, and we've got a Soulfari meeting coming up at the beginning of June, so expect to see more Africa content appearing here in the coming weeks.
Did you guys already go to Hawaii, or is that upcoming?
Cool. What's the weather going to be like in July down there?
We went to Hawaii the 26th of April and returned on the 7th of May. It feels like a year ago already.
But we had a nice time. Darn that jet lag on the way home though...
Whew.
B
Wow. Where have I been? I can't believe you went and came back that fast! I'm not looking forward to the jet lag from going so far away. I guess I'll get a nice eye mask or something.
I hear that the July weather will be in the upper 70s. The climate is equatorial, but the rainy season will be over...and hopefully the mosquitos will have headed home too :)
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