A confession

This space is suffering from a tragic lack of honesty.

My life for the last two weeks has been pretty craptastic.

It's been really hard to adjust back to life in America. I feel like the last thing I want to be doing is processing Kenya, and that feels really sh*tty. I saw something so life changing and huge and such a part of the long-term vision for my life, and instead of getting back and digging in to it - I've just been escaping.

I've watched more TV than I ever do. I haven't touched my journal or my bible. I'm doing a lot of posting about nothing and getting up everyday to try and be "normal."

It's like I know that I can't go back to the person I was before, so I'm not sure what I'm coming back to. I feel sort of adrift.

But the oddest thing about this is - I'm really kind of ok with this. I'm not an emotional wreck, because emotion is the last thing I want to tap into right now.

I just feel bad for not wanting to be the analytical, overly emotional Ally right now. I'm worried that if I give in to a little luxury of numbness, I'm going to forget about all the things I saw or all the good I'll get to do in the future.

When I was in Kenya, it's sort of like I timetraveled.

While I was there all these new experiences flooded my brain. What I saw confirmed ways I want to be living my life, and pointed out ways that I'm negligent. If I'd stayed long enough, I think I would have worked through it and gotten comfortable again, but instead I came back to a life in KC that had continued on - not allowing for the luxury of comfort.

So, I guess I've lapsed into this numbed state to create my own place where I could start to process it...slowly, over time, able to look at the good and the bad in its proper place.

Today's Soundtrack: Everything in its right place - Radiohead - Kid A