*chuckle*

I’ve never been good with patience or waiting things out. I wish I could say I felt bad about this, but that’s just not true. I suppose that the essence of a spirit that likes charging ahead is that it’s most comfortable with being in control. Quite simply, patience seems to be the antithesis of progress. Ergo, patience isn’t something I’ve wanted to “practice” in my free time.

I sort of figured that God in his divine beauty would be cool with this. Here’s the rub: God seems stubbornly convinced that I’m due a lesson.

As I’ve gotten quiet each day to talk through what to do about schoolandworkandmakingmoneyandtimingandloveandlifeand
successandwhatI'dbehappiestdoing

(breathe)

He speaks simply to me and gives little by way of answer except these whispers:

Trust in me.
Know that I provide for the lilies of the field.
Surely I’ve got something in mind for you.

My heart knows this. Each time we meet each other, I’m driven to tears by that truth. My head knows this. As I read verse after verse after verse to testify to it, I know it deep.

So why can I not learn it into behavior?

I think this may be the real test of our faith, the real building up of it. God simply tells us that he has it covered, and we are to wait. Faith is born. If this process happens enough over our lifetime, it works itself into our marrow. Maybe it works itself so deep that our head and heart no longer need reassurance. At that point, it is as natural as breathing to us.

I can only hope that this is the truth I walk towards as God and I tug and pull and tussle so. For the millionth time, I wait on the Lord. I have made such little progress as we’ve walked this road, save this: Today, I can laugh at it.

I laugh that we have been down this road so many times. I chuckle to think of the absurdity of a spirit’s reconviction and repentance. Each time it feels so novel and new and worked up. God must find this as hilarious as a child who tells the same joke over and over again. We will always return for the show. For His approval and guidance. And every time, he’ll laugh and clap and give us feedback.

So, laughably, I will wait on Him and keep moving forward. He is a God who shuts doors just as easily as He opens them. So I will stumble and laugh and keep going with my gut.