pu·ri·fy

verb: to free from undesirable elements; to grow or become pure or clean

It feels good to be reminded of your "undesirable elements" i.e. weaknesses. I never thought it would be freeing, but I'm glad to know I've got places in my life that are being refined over a (very painful) fire. As my feet have been held to the coals, I recognize two things:

I've been really good at self-doubt, thinking whatever I did was worse than other people, and I'm pretty damn sick of it. After a lifetime of punishing myself, I give up.

I'm PETRIFIED of failing.

I spent some time in Psalms right before '05 ended, and chapters 25-30 leapt off the page, soothing my soul. I used to think these random, mysterious musings weren't anything amazing until recently. There is every bit of the life I've lived and what I've felt in this book. Love, pain, hurt, dependence, worthlessness, hope, fear, doubt, you name it. AND, it's written superbeautifully.

As someone who needs to hear that she's on the right track a lot (thanks to the amazing friends that recognize this), a few spots jumped out at me -

"My heart leaps for joy
and I will give thanks to Him in song."
- Psalm 28:7

That is the purpose of this blog, of this trip. I never knew a trip to Kenya could be a song to Him, but it is. I sing out upendo every time I talk with you about this. My heart leaping for joy is just as apparent.

"When I felt secure, I said,
'I will never be shaken.'
O Lord, when you favored me,
you made my mountain stand firm;
but when you hid your face,
I was dismayed."
- Psalm 30: 6-7

I'm not going to lie. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't be able to get it together and save and raise the money for this trip. AND, if I don't, then I'm afraid I'm failing my calling, because I've never been so excited about anything in my entire life. What if the biggest answer through the clouds I've gotten ISN'T what I'm supposed to be doing? What if God will hide his face?

The fear of failing is a curse that plagues us all and has stuck with me for a long time. The next step in my purification is to humbly ask for your prayers, and your support. I am desperate for it.

In this next week, I've got to get started planning this party, and I'm scared that no one will believe in my vision to see a beautiful part of the world and help these children.

So, as my next step in this journey, take my string in your hands, and please pray for me.

Pray that this trip will be blessed. Pray that people will support this and believe in it. Pray that I'll be able to touch the faces of children who have no one else to do it. Pray that I'll walk through the doorway to Mother Teresa's Missionaries of Charity and wave at them for all of us back here. Pray that if I don't go, that my faith will be strengthened, because I'll understand why it didn't come together.

Asking for your help holding my feet to the fire is a huge step for me, but I trust you all with my heart. As one of my favorite songs says, "You've got to let the fire burn you just to get clean again..."